Venting...

Sorry guys. I'm apologizing now because this posting is just going to be me venting.

I've been so frustrated lately. I've been at home alot more lately. It's been hard getting out. Which is why I'm here, to take care of my grandparents, so I can't complain too much. But it's hard because I've missed so much church lately, whether it be church or mini church. And I think that's part of the reason of I've been so frustrated lately. There hasn't been much getting out and getting some distance to get perspective.

On one hand I have the whole thing with my grandpa. He has definitely gotten worse. He has lost so much weight. You can see his hip bones and I can almost fit my fingers all the way around his ankle. His calves and thighs are about the same size. He's just so skinny. It's been hard to get him to eat. He's just not hungry. Then he has been sleeping a whole lot more. It used to be when I first got here he would get up in the morning, be up all morning, have lunch, then take a hour nap. After the nap he would be up all afternoon and evening. Sometimes he would go to bed early but for the most part he would go to bed around 9. Though when I first got here we did have problems with grandpa getting up alot at night. That's not the case now but in some ways I wish he would be up more. Right now his sleeping more during the day is better for grandma because when he is up he is hallucinating more. When he hallucinates he can get really agitated or belligerent. It's hard because he really isn't my grandpa then. He has always been a gentle, quiet man. Very intelligent and independent. My grandparents would always do for themselves. Accepting help has always been hard for them. But they were always the first to offer help.

The Parkinson's disease has stolen so much away from him. He has told me on a number of occasions that he can't take it anymore. That he's depressed. It's so hard to see him like this. To try to do the best for him. He has already stated that he doesn't want a feeding tube. When his ability to swallow goes, which happens with Parkinson's, he doesn't want to have anything done. I respect his will in wanting this done but I can't imagine watching it happen. He also has a do not resuscitate order so when he goes he wants to go. I can understand that but it's still hard to do.

He has really gone downhill in the way of his abilities in the past couple of years. When I first got here I worked really hard with him to get him up everyday, if not walking up and down the hallway then sitting up in the wheelchair for a while. Now it's a good week if I can get him up in the wheelchair once. And more often then not it is him not wanting to get out of bed and walk around. Now he just doesn't care as much. More then anything I think he's lost his will to fight this anymore. He's just tired and wants to go 'home'. I feel really guilty to because every time I went home he seemed to lose more ground. Especially when I went home for 3 months for the weddings. I know I shouldn't but I carry alot of feelings of I didn't do enough and am not doing enough. I feel guilty for each time I leave the house. More often then not I have no idea what I'm doing but I have to play it calm because grandma is such a worrier and goes into panic mode.

And it's not just having to deal with all the things with grandpa. It's having to deal with all the things with grandma as well. Which is probably my biggest struggle right now. She and I are definitely of different personalities. And sometimes I just feel rubbed raw. I'm trying not totake things personally but it's hard. I feel that I can't say anything because she either gets all upset with me or ignores what I say. Like when she thinks grandpa has a fever. She will ask me when I tell her I don't think he does she just argues with me. I been really trying to work on this because I know more then anything it's my reaction that causes the problems. And she has told me that she sometimes feels the same way about me. That I don't think she knows anything or I ignore her. It's just so much of what she says and does I don't agree with. She will stop medication because she will suddenly read something against it. Whether it be from a newspaper or one of her many doctors books. She has been better about talking with the doctor first. But it still drives me nuts. Case in point, today she decide to stop grandpa's Parkinson's medication because she read something in a book. I was so upset. She does this to me when I just wake up. It's almost like I go out a get a bomb thrown at me. No warning just figure out a way to deal with it. I feel that way too at times when I go out. That when I step back into the house I don't quite know what I'll be hit with. At times there is no respite. I already knew today that my pressure level was high. So I just went into the bathroom. Then I called my mom. Luckily while I talked to my mom grandma decided to give grandpa the meds for now so she called me out to try to give it to him. Unfortunately grandpa is really tired today and I can't get him to wake up. I was finally able to give it to him a half hour later. But he's still sleeping.

I'm really trying so hard to be sensitive to her needs and her feelings. The other day she was really upset after a bad episode with grandpa. We finally got grandpa calm and grandma went into the bedroom. As I sat there I felt I should go and check on her. When I went back she was on the bed crying. So I went in and we talked and prayed. I asked her if she called her pastor to pray. She hadn't. I encouraged her to call her and she did. Which was good. She also called another friend who prayed with her then came over for about an hour. At times I just can't deal with having to calm her and grandpa.

Then there is the whole thing with grandma's health. On Sunday night she hard really bad stomach pain. I was out at a friends house so I came home. I was just home for a little bit when she felt better. Which was good. She called the doctor and went in for a appointment a couple days later. They couldn't find anything. The way she worries all the time I wouldn't be all that surprised if she got a ulcer. Then on Thursday she did some wash and when she came in she said it was like she couldn't move her legs. She had problems with that before and they couldn't find anything when they did a bunch of tests. It doesn't help the grandma always thinks the worst thing that can happen is happening. And she tends to be a little bit of a hypochondriac. So lately it just seems that if isn't one thing it's another. I'm going to end my rant now. I told you I was going to vent, sorry. Pray for us if you think about us. We would appreciate it.